#Ancora pain recovery shut down how to#

In 2016, my husband and I made a decision and moved to southern Oregon, and sold our house. We had 36 acres of property that I had been managing, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t do daily tasks, keep up on my daily chores, or manage my own house.

I spoke and moved very slowly.Īfter almost 25 years of taking antidepressants, I had no emotion left whatsoever. The last morning antidepressant I took, I had to stop taking it when people told me how zombie-like I was. In the end, I was taking 500 mg of Nefazadone in the evening and tried a number of different antidepressants in the morning. My doctor told me after the second time that I would have to take them for the rest of my life. Stopping them too quickly or without medical supervision is a very bad choice. Antidepressants changed my brain chemistry. I ended up going back to my doctor both times and taking something else. It felt like I had a bowling ball in my stomach. I would stop in the middle of the workday to run into the bathroom and cry. It was worse than before I started taking medications. I stopped taking them on my own twice, with disastrous results. Side effects included things as minor as dry mouth, to constipation, irritability, a zombie-like state and sexual dysfunction. There was always a balancing act between which was worse, the depression or the side effects. Over the years I have taken a wide variety of antidepressants. It demonstrated to me how we see and think about things when depressed, and how twisted it was. I was also put into a cognitive behavioral therapy group which I found to be very enlightening, but of limited usefulness. It took six months before I started seeing an improvement in my mood. Once I finally got in to see the doctor, I started taking antidepressants in 1993. Worse, I believed I really didn’t deserve help. I had never been taught to fight for myself, and thus was not able to fight that battle. It took one and a half years to get a doctor appointment. I had never taken advantage of my insurance so they sent me a questionnaire to fill out to assist in finding me a doctor. I contacted my health insurance company in 1991 to get help. The rug of self-confidence was pulled out from under me.

#Ancora pain recovery shut down how to#

I didn’t know how to resolve the dichotomy of being told I was an excellent employee and then put into a job that was so bad for me. I was typing purchase orders and filing them. I was finally assigned to a job in purchasing which was basically grunt work. When I got back from that trip I was told, “We have to cut back, and your group has been dissolved.” Some people in my group lost their jobs, and others got reassigned. I had received accolades in the job I was doing and went on an employee excellence trip as an award. I was running the lab, and purchasing parts, and serving as a lead in my group. I was building test equipment for our product for manufacturing and maintaining that equipment and much more. I had a very good job in the high-tech sector at a computer manufacturer. My third major episode with depression happened at about age 40 in 1991. I was educated but not prepared for life. I called my parents at home and they came and got me to spend a few days at home. I had no confidence in myself and was soon lost in tears over my prospects.

I came to realize that I would soon be leaving college and entering the work world. My second major episode of depression was as a senior in college. It proved to be fairly effective for the short term. My parents took me to a psychologist who did hypnotherapy with me. I was so sad, I could barely make it to my room after school before the tears would start falling. My childhood was filled with messages from my father telling me I was fat, that fat people are ugly, and that no one would ever love me. The first time was at puberty in the eighth grade. I’ve had three major bouts of depression: My parents were both alcoholics and depressed, and their dysfunction became my growth environment. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family in Minnesota. The causes of my depression were environmental. One doctor told me that dysthymia (or mild depression) was what I suffered in between my major bouts of depression. I have suffered from depression my whole life. It’s a bit of a struggle for me to communicate, so please bear with me. So, I am adding to this as I think of things that I need to talk about. I learned as a child to keep my mouth shut as my thoughts and ideas were not welcome. But I want to show that recovery is not only possible but should be the expected outcome. I expect it to be an ongoing process that will take a while. This is the story of my recovery from depression.